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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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Holy crap.
It's been so long since I used Livejournal it's not even funny.
But I suppose it's time to put to shame some of the negativity I have posted in the past, so: an update.
I am currently in the final year (give or take a week or so) of my specialization, a year away from becoming a Nuclear Physician. Yes, I actually made it to becoming an MD, and didn't stop there.
It's going rather well, with two smaller research projects on their way to becoming papers that might even get published.
I am specializing somewhat in Cardiac Imaging, and have an internship in Cardiac PET-scanning to prove it.
I have also been certified in teaching medical students and interns, which brings to the fore my other joy: teaching others about my field.
I have wonderful colleagues, and feel generally fulfilled in what I do, even though the prospect of being an actual specialist is a little scary. :p
I enjoy a couple of hobbies, Roleplay still one of them and Mobile Gadgets being another. I've even gotten to the point where there's still a project waiting to be completed: me and a fellow forum-member have almost completed an application for the Windows Phone-platform which gives real-time support in the event of CPR.
A couple of old ghosts still haunt me, but I've matured to the point that even though they haunt me they don't own me anymore.
I have a future. One I'm finally learning to help build myself.
Holy shit, I think I may be getting it, if in small increments at a time. Heh.
Time to rock on. *cranks the music to 11*
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If there is someone on your Friends List who makes your world a better place just because that person exists
and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.
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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:40 am. |
| Mood: |  enraged. | | Music: | Testament - Hail Mary. |
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Livejournal, we meet again.
Why? Well, as usual, I have a certain amount of pseudopsychologic whining to do. Heh.
I am feeling as if something is slipping slowly out of my hands. I just found out that part of my education that I have missed the first time around has been scheduled so that I have three months of nothing in between my last normally scheduled internship and this one. Three months I cannot afford to lose, yet I have no idea how I am going to put them to good use.
And that's just the drop that makes the sea overflow. There's a rage inside again that I thought I had tempered.I thought I had grown older, less teenage-y melodramatic and more coherent. More of a whole me, rather than warring juxtapositions in a moderately stable outer shell.
I may have been mistaken. I think I've been telling myself that because when most things seem to be going the way they should it's easier to put the frustrations at ease. Or actually, push them to the fartest regions of my mind.
I thought I had addressed them, but now it feels as if I have simply hid them away to fester on their own without me realising their full force.
I have come to witness all the facets of my personality lately and though they are all part of a whole, I sometimes wonder if there are more Asbjørns. As if the only thing keeping me from developing Multiple Personality Syndrome in its proper form is the fact that nothing I've experienced has been severely traumatising enough to actually split off a facet of me into a new fully fledged personality.
I told you there'd be pseudopsychologic whining, didn't I?
The worst thing is that it feels childish. So much teenage angst creeping out from the deepest recesses when by now, I would like to have matured beyond that point.
The funny thing is that all things I try to nurture in that quest for maturity, that sense of one, might be partially responsible for the ongoing struggle inside.
Fuck it, I'm not going to show restraint and sound politically correct. I don't care right now, no matter how arrogant or childish it makes me sound.
I'm intelligent. Bloody intelligent, I daresay, as I have been getting the top grades of my class in med school for the last six months. I have a sense of morality that is, if anything, overdeveloped.
And that's just it. Mixed with a pretty rampant temper, a consequence of restraining all that frustration for all my years, that's a pretty volatile state of self. Everytime I see someone thinking only of himself, or acting like an asshole, or whatever else like it, I find myself gritting my teeth with an ardent wish to educate that person. At the same time, I try to understand that person because surely every story has two sides. And that just leads to overload, because in the end, you can't educate people against their will. In fact, that is something a haughty arrogant bastard would do, hence I become that which I despise.
The paradox is mindrending.
I am a dominant, if nowhere else then in my mind. I've had two relationships based on the premise of Master and Pet. These were loving relationships, before anyone gets the wrong idea. I loved both these young women with a passion. I have no need for any kind of situation where I need to take control forcibly. I desire to be given control. Both these relationships have ended, and I must now confess that the lack of this in my life is another frustration.
Why do I bring this up? Because it illustrates my point: I long for control. The only thing I long for more is love. Don't think I'm going all weepy-eyed here, because at the moment I am way to mad for that.
However, it also illustrates that I long for control to be given to me. When it comes to taking control, the conflict returns. How to take control without becoming that which I despise? And, to be perfectly honest, how to know that the control you take is the control you want to have?
Questions everywhere and it's gnawing at me from within. Because everyone would say that these are questions without an answer. There is no thinking this through, there is only action and the lesson learned from the consequence of that action.
But I fear that consequence. Because God forbid that perfect Asby makes a wrong choice somewhere along the way.
FUCK!
I am so tired of these headgames. The worst thing is I am the one playing them on myself. I am equally tired of the games of the world. The constant bluffing and measuring, the backstabbing, the paranoia. People saying one thing to your face and another behind your back. Why? Because, of course, it's something you can't control.
And when it all comes back to me, the memories of how things were and how happy they once made me, the struggle within and the struggle without to become a doctor and a good person that for all I know I might not even like...
...that's when the bear comes out. That's when the part trying to hold it all together by saying "just don't become what you despise" gets drowned out more and more by the "fuck it, do unto others as they do unto you!" That's when instead of just turning the other way and not caring about the inconsequential, the Id seethes and rages and wants to rip and tear and shred at anything that stands in the way. It's when the part that wants to subjugate and enslave, consequences be damned, claws at the outer shell to be let out.
And all of this is just a cliché.
There's nothing special about it, there's no goal, just a lot of frustration raging against the empty skies as if it has an agenda and what it screams makes sense. As if there is something to validate other than the feeling of something is empty and I do not know how to fill it.
I have looked at all my desires and the question repeated itself as if a whisper spoken over and over: "Even if you get this, will you be happy?" and every time the answer becomes more and more: "I doubt it."
Now before someone decides to point out the wonderfully obvious and tell me I'm suffering from a depression...
No shit, you really think so?
That's not the problem. The problem is I understand all this too well to go off the deep end. Just sane enough to keep the ping-pong game going.
There. Pseudopsychologica, Melodrama, Big Words...everything that makes Asby so "special". Just as special as every other teenager crying his eyes out over the injustice in the sad sad Angsty world.
Fuck me.
If nothing else, that was one hell of a vent.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 30th, 2003
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Well, what brought this on, you might ask?
Months and months of utter silence, and Asby suddenly starts posting to his LJ again?
How quaint.
You'd be right, of course. It IS quaint. But for some reason I feel like just venting a little, and I don't feel like doing it on a board or with friends. So if you happen to be reading this, I guess you're my audience for the moment.
I am tired. Worse than that, I am lonely. And even though I don't feel particularly bad in any specific way, those two are not very nice bedfellows to have in your mind.
Add to that a bit of random anxiety, somehow sneaking into any decision you have to make, and you have a recipe for...I'm not sure for exactly what.
You see, the weird thing is I really don't feel all that bad. It's like a cognitive dissonance in which my mind understand I am doing much better than I used to, but it still has the force of habit working against it and it worries, though not without some reason, in an almost automatic manner. It's strange, and a confusing sensation.
But really, I've had quite a few things go very well for me in the time that I have ignored this journal. For one, one of my biggest dreams has come to pass in that I have become a paid freelancing artist.
My portfolio is extremely small, but it has merited its own webpage none the less. I've called it Holy Bear Studios.
Also, my internships in the local Academic Hospital have so far gone well, though I still feel, also with some reason, that I don't know as much as I should by now.
Nothing to do about it than study harder, I suppose, and I have as of now scheduled one hour a day in which I will do nothing else.
Next point on the agenda is getting physically fit again. I've procrastinated long enough, and today I've started doing sit-ups and push-ups again. I think I needed to realise that I'll be doing this for myself, not for anybody else.
Though I'm sure it'll help. And maybe, just maybe, that will help a bit in making sure I don't stay lonely for too long.
God knows I'd like for that to end soon.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:04 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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I've been having quite some succes on the rpg.net forum with my comic strip, Freelancers Flava.
I thought I'd share one (the first) with you here.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  melancholy. |
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You dwell excessively on past memories, particularly the bad ones. You blame yourself for your faults, and fear being a bad person. You can be delusional and paranoid, yet hide these things from others and bury your feelings deep, where you can revive them to dwell on them later. You need to stop dwelling on the past, and look to the future.
Your song is: War Inside my Head
Which degree of inner turbulence are you?
This quiz was made by Dionae
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 25th, 2002
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Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
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Again, it takes ages for me to update this journal...but I bring gifts! *L*
Well, actually, it's a few pictures I've done for a game that is supposed to come out this June...if they use 5 of my drawings, I'll get the game and my name in the credits. So wish me luck!
 
 
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 4:10 pm. |
| Mood: | crushed. | | Music: | Pitchshifter - Hidden Agenda. |
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Whoa boy...Seems I rather forgot about my journal...*apologetic grin*
Anyway, here's a fragment of unedited text on the Rheiti...
Rheiti
The Rheiti are the most strange and alien of the races living on Brojyzn...or so the others would think. In reality, the Rheiti are probably more closely tied to the planet than anyone.
The Rheiti are renowned for their unity, their tightness as a group. No matter where a Rheiti is, no matter how far from his home and those he knows, other Rheiti will always welcome him and treat him like part of the family...Because he is.
To the outsiders, the Rheiti maintain the image of a race of starfaring eukaryotes who landed on Brojyzn in search of safety and a new land. It's easier that way. Explaining the truth would be too difficult for their minds to comprehend fully...and might lead to panic in their ignorant minds.
The Rheiti are no aliens to the world of Brojyzn. They are Brojyzn. Years ago, in the times of the first outbreak of Jexx so the story goes, a plant was infected by the disease. This was nothing peculiar, but what happened after that, was. The plant was mutated by the Jexx, but did not die. Quite the opposite: Everything that was altered in the plant assured it of an amazingly long lifespan...possibly even immortality. The plant grew to cover acres of land, and from the fertile soil withdrew the nourishment she needed to reproduce. She grew buds, which became pods, in which her own cells grew strong with her life until she finally relinquished them to the world,and so the Rheiti were born.
The Rheiti know that if the location of the Mother of Life were ever to become known to the other inhabitants of Brojyzn, their time would soon be over...though the ragings of the other species will eventually, inevitably, lead them to certain doom after all, as they try to regain their precious technical gadgets and things which in the end will smother the earth, Brojyzn, and the Mother of Life with their pollution. So the Rheiti have a goal, and they follow it fervently: Keep the other species docile. Keep them stupid. Keep them from rediscovering their crude machines or the world will be lost.
This is still being revised to make for better playability...
On a sidenote, my girlfriend broke up with me today...so how much work will go into Jexx in the next couple of days is anybody's guess.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 6:48 pm. |
| Mood: | hopeful. | | Music: | Rasputina - Stumpside. |
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I've been wrestling with VoiceXpress Pro, trying to get it to accept my voice easily...
When (if) it does, I should be able to just dictate a lot of my thoughts directly into a wordprocessor. Then Jexx should start getting underway a bit faster.
Also, as a few friends have offered to help with some of the material, I'm hoping to be able to give out a few notes and ideas to them, and maybe that'll speed up the process as well...I also believe having a few other opinions, minds, or whatever you want to call it working with me will help to give even more flavour to the idea, the setting, and the characters.
Here's hoping I'm right! Cross your fingers people!
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| Time: | 2:20 pm. |
| Mood: | ecstatic. | | Music: | Tool - Lateralis. |
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Well, it's official...Jexx has to be written!
A very very nice guy by the name of Hethe Srodawa was kind enough to say he'd draw some scetches for the races of Jexx, and he would do it for free. At the time, I was overjoyed at the mere thought. Now Hethe is a very busy artist, and I didn't expect he'd have much time for it, but it would have been nice just to see his scetches.
Yesterday, I saw what he had drawn and I was totally overawed. It turns out Hethe used my descriptions in a portfolio-assignment.
I think you'll agree when you see the pictures, these are of an exquisite quality!
So without further ado, let me present Hethe Srodawa's renditions of the Xelcur and the Feh'lin:
The Xelcur
and
the Feh'lin!
Images property of Hethe Srodawa. Used with kind permission of the artist.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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Hmmm...I seem to have a knack for getting in one typo at the end of my post...
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| Time: | 11:17 am. |
| Mood: | cheerful. | | Music: | Green Day - Time of Your Life. |
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Well, haven't written much in the last few days...But I've been busy with other stuff!
Drawing those character scetches wasn't as easy as I would have liked, so I decided to just practice a little first to get back that 'feel' for the pencil.
If you want to check it out, I've got them posted:
here
and
here.
If anyone cares about the comments I got on the Freelancers borad, start your quest here.
A bientot!
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2002
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| Time: | 1:21 am. |
| Mood: | sleepy. | | Music: | Mel C - Going Down. |
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Well, thanks to some encouraging from Chriss2d over at the Freelancing forum of rpg.net, I think I'll dare to pick up a pencil again, and make good on those scetches I promised earlier...but don't hold your breath ofr 'em. *S*
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Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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| Time: | 2:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | Rammstein - Zwitter. |
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Wow, I'm getting lots of help on the RPG.net forums, especially the Art of Game Design forum.
For those of you who'd like to check out what is going on there, I'll post the link here for you:
The Art of Game Design forum
My handle on the forum is Holy Bear, so check the threads under that name...they all have something to do with Jexx in one way or another.
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Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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| Time: | 7:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | Soundgarden - New Damage. |
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The world is strange.
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| Time: | 4:19 pm. |
| Mood: | groggy. | | Music: | Metallica - Cure. |
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Well, here I sit staring at my screen...*L*
Mental note: Alcohol + lotsa cigarettes = a slow next day...
Anyway, a few more thoughts...
In the world of Jexx, 'magic' is limited to two paths, which should be very expandable...for a reason I have yet to fully define (planetary circumstances? Influence from the two suns? Something completely different?) the planet is surrounded by two forms of energy, a 'light' and a 'dark'.
These have opposite effects. If Light can increase the temperature, Dark lowers it...Light can increase the light in an area, Dark will shroud it in shadows.
PC's should be able to learn to influence the patterns of these energies. The manipulation of such would be a skill, linked to either Intelligence or Wits or some such.
We'll get to that when the rest of the stats have been finalized...
Now, system...very basically, it should be more or less this:
Attribute (1-8) + Skill (1-4) gives difficulty target number. roll 2d6, attempting a score under or equal to this target.
Example: Argha the Xelcur wants to lift a heavy steel trapdoor. His strength is a phenomenal 7. He rolls 2d6: a 2 and a 5...7 in total. This is equal to his target, so he succeeds in lifting the trapdoor.
This is an example of Attribute-only testing though...not the best place to start. *L*
A better example perhaps: Luka the Feh'lin is under attack, and wants to punch his adversary. His Dexterity is 6 and he was the skill Brawling at 3. Rolling 2d6 he gets a total of 6 and succeeds in slamming his fist into his opponent's face.
Snake-eyes (two ones) should always mean a brilliant success, surpassing perhaps even the character's intentions, whereas Boxcars (two sixes) should signify a terrible failure with detrimental effects for the character.
Now getting back to the subject of 'magic'...I really want that part of the system to be different from the rest. Now I'm not certain whether I want to reverse the Attribute/Skill ratio for this (Use 1/2 Intelligence, rounded down, Skill levels going up to 8) or to change the roll from 2d6 to 1d12 (the chances of a 1 or a 12 being higher than the chances of Snake-eyes or Boxcars), or maybe even both...
...there is much pondering to be done here.
Anyway, that's more or less the basics I'm fiddling with now.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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| Time: | 7:39 pm. |
| Mood: | rushed. | | Music: | Fear Factory - Dog Day Sunrise. |
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Woops...I would write a bit about the system, but I just saw the time, and I'm almost late for my tabletop RP session.
Soon...the system will come...
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sharradarkrose's journal
anxious.
