Asbjørn

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 01:52:38 GMT

If there is someone on your Friends List who makes your world a better place just because that person exists
and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Tue, 25 Nov 2003 00:37:43 GMT

Livejournal, we meet again.

Why? Well, as usual, I have a certain amount of pseudopsychologic whining to do. Heh.

I am feeling as if something is slipping slowly out of my hands. I just found out that part of my education that I have missed the first time around has been scheduled so that I have three months of nothing in between my last normally scheduled internship and this one. Three months I cannot afford to lose, yet I have no idea how I am going to put them to good use.

And that's just the drop that makes the sea overflow. There's a rage inside again that I thought I had tempered.I thought I had grown older, less teenage-y melodramatic and more coherent. More of a whole me, rather than warring juxtapositions in a moderately stable outer shell.

I may have been mistaken. I think I've been telling myself that because when most things seem to be going the way they should it's easier to put the frustrations at ease. Or actually, push them to the fartest regions of my mind.
I thought I had addressed them, but now it feels as if I have simply hid them away to fester on their own without me realising their full force.

I have come to witness all the facets of my personality lately and though they are all part of a whole, I sometimes wonder if there are more Asbjørns. As if the only thing keeping me from developing Multiple Personality Syndrome in its proper form is the fact that nothing I've experienced has been severely traumatising enough to actually split off a facet of me into a new fully fledged personality.

I told you there'd be pseudopsychologic whining, didn't I?

The worst thing is that it feels childish. So much teenage angst creeping out from the deepest recesses when by now, I would like to have matured beyond that point.
The funny thing is that all things I try to nurture in that quest for maturity, that sense of one, might be partially responsible for the ongoing struggle inside.

Fuck it, I'm not going to show restraint and sound politically correct. I don't care right now, no matter how arrogant or childish it makes me sound.
I'm intelligent. Bloody intelligent, I daresay, as I have been getting the top grades of my class in med school for the last six months. I have a sense of morality that is, if anything, overdeveloped.

And that's just it. Mixed with a pretty rampant temper, a consequence of restraining all that frustration for all my years, that's a pretty volatile state of self. Everytime I see someone thinking only of himself, or acting like an asshole, or whatever else like it, I find myself gritting my teeth with an ardent wish to educate that person. At the same time, I try to understand that person because surely every story has two sides. And that just leads to overload, because in the end, you can't educate people against their will. In fact, that is something a haughty arrogant bastard would do, hence I become that which I despise.
The paradox is mindrending.

I am a dominant, if nowhere else then in my mind. I've had two relationships based on the premise of Master and Pet. These were loving relationships, before anyone gets the wrong idea. I loved both these young women with a passion. I have no need for any kind of situation where I need to take control forcibly. I desire to be given control. Both these relationships have ended, and I must now confess that the lack of this in my life is another frustration.

Why do I bring this up? Because it illustrates my point: I long for control. The only thing I long for more is love. Don't think I'm going all weepy-eyed here, because at the moment I am way to mad for that.
However, it also illustrates that I long for control to be given to me. When it comes to taking control, the conflict returns. How to take control without becoming that which I despise? And, to be perfectly honest, how to know that the control you take is the control you want to have?

Questions everywhere and it's gnawing at me from within. Because everyone would say that these are questions without an answer. There is no thinking this through, there is only action and the lesson learned from the consequence of that action.
But I fear that consequence. Because God forbid that perfect Asby makes a wrong choice somewhere along the way.

FUCK!

I am so tired of these headgames. The worst thing is I am the one playing them on myself. I am equally tired of the games of the world. The constant bluffing and measuring, the backstabbing, the paranoia. People saying one thing to your face and another behind your back. Why? Because, of course, it's something you can't control.

And when it all comes back to me, the memories of how things were and how happy they once made me, the struggle within and the struggle without to become a doctor and a good person that for all I know I might not even like...

...that's when the bear comes out. That's when the part trying to hold it all together by saying "just don't become what you despise" gets drowned out more and more by the "fuck it, do unto others as they do unto you!" That's when instead of just turning the other way and not caring about the inconsequential, the Id seethes and rages and wants to rip and tear and shred at anything that stands in the way. It's when the part that wants to subjugate and enslave, consequences be damned, claws at the outer shell to be let out.

And all of this is just a cliché.
There's nothing special about it, there's no goal, just a lot of frustration raging against the empty skies as if it has an agenda and what it screams makes sense. As if there is something to validate other than the feeling of something is empty and I do not know how to fill it.

I have looked at all my desires and the question repeated itself as if a whisper spoken over and over: "Even if you get this, will you be happy?" and every time the answer becomes more and more: "I doubt it."

Now before someone decides to point out the wonderfully obvious and tell me I'm suffering from a depression...

No shit, you really think so?

That's not the problem. The problem is I understand all this too well to go off the deep end. Just sane enough to keep the ping-pong game going.

There. Pseudopsychologica, Melodrama, Big Words...everything that makes Asby so "special". Just as special as every other teenager crying his eyes out over the injustice in the sad sad Angsty world.

Fuck me.
If nothing else, that was one hell of a vent.

Sat, 30 Aug 2003 16:38:18 GMT

Well, what brought this on, you might ask?

Months and months of utter silence, and Asby suddenly starts posting to his LJ again?
How quaint.

You'd be right, of course. It IS quaint. But for some reason I feel like just venting a little, and I don't feel like doing it on a board or with friends. So if you happen to be reading this, I guess you're my audience for the moment.

I am tired. Worse than that, I am lonely. And even though I don't feel particularly bad in any specific way, those two are not very nice bedfellows to have in your mind.
Add to that a bit of random anxiety, somehow sneaking into any decision you have to make, and you have a recipe for...I'm not sure for exactly what.

You see, the weird thing is I really don't feel all that bad. It's like a cognitive dissonance in which my mind understand I am doing much better than I used to, but it still has the force of habit working against it and it worries, though not without some reason, in an almost automatic manner. It's strange, and a confusing sensation.

But really, I've had quite a few things go very well for me in the time that I have ignored this journal. For one, one of my biggest dreams has come to pass in that I have become a paid freelancing artist.
My portfolio is extremely small, but it has merited its own webpage none the less. I've called it Holy Bear Studios.

Also, my internships in the local Academic Hospital have so far gone well, though I still feel, also with some reason, that I don't know as much as I should by now.
Nothing to do about it than study harder, I suppose, and I have as of now scheduled one hour a day in which I will do nothing else.

Next point on the agenda is getting physically fit again. I've procrastinated long enough, and today I've started doing sit-ups and push-ups again. I think I needed to realise that I'll be doing this for myself, not for anybody else.

Though I'm sure it'll help. And maybe, just maybe, that will help a bit in making sure I don't stay lonely for too long.
God knows I'd like for that to end soon.

Thu, 06 Jun 2002 10:58:49 GMT

I've been having quite some succes on the rpg.net forum with my comic strip, Freelancers Flava.

I thought I'd share one (the first) with you here.

Thu, 06 Jun 2002 10:56:22 GMT

You dwell excessively on past memories, particularly the bad ones. You blame yourself for your faults, and fear being a bad person. You can be delusional and paranoid, yet hide these things from others and bury your feelings deep, where you can revive them to dwell on them later. You need to stop dwelling on the past, and look to the future.

Your song is: War Inside my Head

Which degree of inner turbulence are you?

This quiz was made by Dionae

Fri, 10 May 2002 20:00:27 GMT

Two drawings I did for a friend's game over at the Blacklight Bar, Ferry Bazelmans aka Crayne.

Thu, 25 Apr 2002 17:13:32 GMT

Which car are you?

Tue, 16 Apr 2002 19:45:35 GMT

Again, it takes ages for me to update this journal...but I bring gifts! *L*
Well, actually, it's a few pictures I've done for a game that is supposed to come out this June...if they use 5 of my drawings, I'll get the game and my name in the credits. So wish me luck!

Mon, 01 Apr 2002 14:09:02 GMT

Whoa boy...Seems I rather forgot about my journal...*apologetic grin*
Anyway, here's a fragment of unedited text on the Rheiti...

Rheiti

The Rheiti are the most strange and alien of the races living on Brojyzn...or so the others would think. In reality, the Rheiti are probably more closely tied to the planet than anyone.
The Rheiti are renowned for their unity, their tightness as a group. No matter where a Rheiti is, no matter how far from his home and those he knows, other Rheiti will always welcome him and treat him like part of the family...Because he is.
To the outsiders, the Rheiti maintain the image of a race of starfaring eukaryotes who landed on Brojyzn in search of safety and a new land. It's easier that way. Explaining the truth would be too difficult for their minds to comprehend fully...and might lead to panic in their ignorant minds.
The Rheiti are no aliens to the world of Brojyzn. They are Brojyzn. Years ago, in the times of the first outbreak of Jexx so the story goes, a plant was infected by the disease. This was nothing peculiar, but what happened after that, was. The plant was mutated by the Jexx, but did not die. Quite the opposite: Everything that was altered in the plant assured it of an amazingly long lifespan...possibly even immortality. The plant grew to cover acres of land, and from the fertile soil withdrew the nourishment she needed to reproduce. She grew buds, which became pods, in which her own cells grew strong with her life until she finally relinquished them to the world,and so the Rheiti were born.
The Rheiti know that if the location of the Mother of Life were ever to become known to the other inhabitants of Brojyzn, their time would soon be over...though the ragings of the other species will eventually, inevitably, lead them to certain doom after all, as they try to regain their precious technical gadgets and things which in the end will smother the earth, Brojyzn, and the Mother of Life with their pollution. So the Rheiti have a goal, and they follow it fervently: Keep the other species docile. Keep them stupid. Keep them from rediscovering their crude machines or the world will be lost.

This is still being revised to make for better playability...

On a sidenote, my girlfriend broke up with me today...so how much work will go into Jexx in the next couple of days is anybody's guess.

Sun, 03 Mar 2002 17:48:13 GMT

I've been wrestling with VoiceXpress Pro, trying to get it to accept my voice easily...
When (if) it does, I should be able to just dictate a lot of my thoughts directly into a wordprocessor. Then Jexx should start getting underway a bit faster.

Also, as a few friends have offered to help with some of the material, I'm hoping to be able to give out a few notes and ideas to them, and maybe that'll speed up the process as well...I also believe having a few other opinions, minds, or whatever you want to call it working with me will help to give even more flavour to the idea, the setting, and the characters.

Here's hoping I'm right! Cross your fingers people!

Fri, 01 Mar 2002 13:20:14 GMT

Well, it's official...Jexx has to be written!

A very very nice guy by the name of Hethe Srodawa was kind enough to say he'd draw some scetches for the races of Jexx, and he would do it for free. At the time, I was overjoyed at the mere thought. Now Hethe is a very busy artist, and I didn't expect he'd have much time for it, but it would have been nice just to see his scetches.

Yesterday, I saw what he had drawn and I was totally overawed. It turns out Hethe used my descriptions in a portfolio-assignment.
I think you'll agree when you see the pictures, these are of an exquisite quality!

So without further ado, let me present Hethe Srodawa's renditions of the Xelcur and the Feh'lin:

The Xelcur
and
the Feh'lin!

Images property of Hethe Srodawa. Used with kind permission of the artist.

Wed, 27 Feb 2002 10:19:02 GMT

Hmmm...I seem to have a knack for getting in one typo at the end of my post...

Wed, 27 Feb 2002 10:17:06 GMT

Well, haven't written much in the last few days...But I've been busy with other stuff!
Drawing those character scetches wasn't as easy as I would have liked, so I decided to just practice a little first to get back that 'feel' for the pencil.

If you want to check it out, I've got them posted:
here
and
here.

If anyone cares about the comments I got on the Freelancers borad, start your quest here.

A bientot!

Sat, 23 Feb 2002 00:23:53 GMT

Well, thanks to some encouraging from Chriss2d over at the Freelancing forum of rpg.net, I think I'll dare to pick up a pencil again, and make good on those scetches I promised earlier...but don't hold your breath ofr 'em. *S*

Fri, 22 Feb 2002 13:08:23 GMT

Wow, I'm getting lots of help on the RPG.net forums, especially the Art of Game Design forum.

For those of you who'd like to check out what is going on there, I'll post the link here for you:

The Art of Game Design forum

My handle on the forum is Holy Bear, so check the threads under that name...they all have something to do with Jexx in one way or another.

Thu, 21 Feb 2002 22:29:34 GMT

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

Thu, 21 Feb 2002 18:17:00 GMT

The world is strange.

Thu, 21 Feb 2002 15:00:02 GMT

Well, here I sit staring at my screen...*L*

Mental note: Alcohol + lotsa cigarettes = a slow next day...

Anyway, a few more thoughts...
In the world of Jexx, 'magic' is limited to two paths, which should be very expandable...for a reason I have yet to fully define (planetary circumstances? Influence from the two suns? Something completely different?) the planet is surrounded by two forms of energy, a 'light' and a 'dark'.
These have opposite effects. If Light can increase the temperature, Dark lowers it...Light can increase the light in an area, Dark will shroud it in shadows.

PC's should be able to learn to influence the patterns of these energies. The manipulation of such would be a skill, linked to either Intelligence or Wits or some such.
We'll get to that when the rest of the stats have been finalized...

Now, system...very basically, it should be more or less this:
Attribute (1-8) + Skill (1-4) gives difficulty target number. roll 2d6, attempting a score under or equal to this target.

Example: Argha the Xelcur wants to lift a heavy steel trapdoor. His strength is a phenomenal 7. He rolls 2d6: a 2 and a 5...7 in total. This is equal to his target, so he succeeds in lifting the trapdoor.
This is an example of Attribute-only testing though...not the best place to start. *L*

A better example perhaps: Luka the Feh'lin is under attack, and wants to punch his adversary. His Dexterity is 6 and he was the skill Brawling at 3. Rolling 2d6 he gets a total of 6 and succeeds in slamming his fist into his opponent's face.

Snake-eyes (two ones) should always mean a brilliant success, surpassing perhaps even the character's intentions, whereas Boxcars (two sixes) should signify a terrible failure with detrimental effects for the character.

Now getting back to the subject of 'magic'...I really want that part of the system to be different from the rest. Now I'm not certain whether I want to reverse the Attribute/Skill ratio for this (Use 1/2 Intelligence, rounded down, Skill levels going up to 8) or to change the roll from 2d6 to 1d12 (the chances of a 1 or a 12 being higher than the chances of Snake-eyes or Boxcars), or maybe even both...

...there is much pondering to be done here.

Anyway, that's more or less the basics I'm fiddling with now.

Wed, 20 Feb 2002 18:19:10 GMT

Woops...I would write a bit about the system, but I just saw the time, and I'm almost late for my tabletop RP session.

Soon...the system will come...

Wed, 20 Feb 2002 18:11:12 GMT

2d6...yes...preferable to 1d12...though maybe have magic rolled on 1d12...hmmm...

snake eyes and boxcars as special events...yes...

*ponders more*

Wed, 20 Feb 2002 13:44:58 GMT

Well, where to begin...

All right: JEXX, subtitle: The Diseased Planet

JEXX takes place on an alien world, the planet Brojyzn, far from our own solar system. It is an M-class planet, under the influence of two suns, A red star and a star like our own sun.
Indigenous to the planet are two races, who are quite similar but have evolved separately, namely the Rohjn and the Dharjn.
The Rohjn resemble in part what we often refer to as Grey Ones; they have no nose, large black eyes, a grayish hue of skin tone, and otherwise a humanoid build. They are not, however, as small as the Grey Ones. They have a build that is quite like people of eastern Europe (stereotypically speaking): Stocky, with often rather square features, and medium-length. For game purposes they should be seen as the base level character, like humans are in D&D.
The Dharjn, resemble them, only they have elongated heads, a larger brain mass, and have longer and thinner builds. They tend to be philosophers, scientists, artist, etc. Their intelligence is their strongest feature.

Three races have come to Brojyzn through space-travel, and have become part of the populace. These are the Xelcur, the Feh'lin and the Rheiti.
The Xelcur are a race of warriors, Crab-like humanoids with two large arms for combat, two smaller arms for finer movement and two legs. Their strongest features are Strength and often Endurance.
The Feh'lin are feline humanoids, created by the Xelcur through bio-engineering. They used to be slaves and henchmen, but have become an independent group after freeing themselves of the Xelcur's oppression. They are masters of Dexterity.
The Rheiti are shrouded in mystery (read: I haven't thought of a good background yet *L*) and are the 'strangest' of the races. Large one-cell organisms, they usually take the shape of humanoids to fit in better. They excel at Manipulation and have a moderate gift for Shape changing.

I hope to have some scetches of the races soon...stay tuned! *L*

Before the alien races came to Brojyzn, it was a moderately evolved planet, more or less comparable with our 1920-1950s. However, almost the entire planet was suffering from a strange disease which was afflicting a large amount of the populace. Physicians everywhere were trying to find a cure for it, but since it was a pathogen no one had seen before (having both viral and bacterial properties), progress was slow.
The entire planet was then baffled by the arrival of a large spaceship into the atmosphere, which landed (or rather, crashed) on one of the planet's highest mountains. Panic, uproar, yaddayaddayadda...*L* In the end, the Xelcur and their servants, the Feh'lin were slowly accepted into the community, claiming to have escaped from their homeworld because of a violent civil war. They were granted asylum, and though many regarded them with paranoia and fear, eventually integrated fairly well, being issued their own domains and such.
What won the indigenous people's trust was the fact that the Xelcur scientists immediately offered their help in trying to contain and eradicate the disease plaguing the planet.

However, not long after that, disaster struck.
The pathogen began to mutate so rapidly, the medical profession had no way of keeping up, and several of the new strands were so virulent, so infective that people began to die by the hundreds...even the thousands. Death was so outspoken that knowledge could not be passed on from generation to generation. So much knowledge was lost that in the end, when the disease 'stabilised', seventy percent of the population having died, the survivors were effectively back to the time of the steam engine.

Now, broken down buildings riddle the landscape. Machines are broken down as no one knows how they work. Hunting for food is done with crossbows, unless one is so lucky as to find a simple rifle or pistol that still works. The planet is in turmoil...and the disease still takes its toll. Though the survivors are less sensitive to the disease, they still get sick. The people have named it the JEXX, the dharjn word for Suffering. In the mean time, petty conflicts arise everywhere for a good place to call ones own.

I have a few ideas on system, but since this entry has become so long already, I'll get to that in a separate, future entry...

So what do you all think? *S*

Wed, 20 Feb 2002 11:55:02 GMT

Dammit, I was suckered into this...and it's not me, damn it! It's not right!! *LOL*

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Bard Fighter

Alignment:
Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.

Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan!

Wed, 20 Feb 2002 11:14:45 GMT

Well...With thanks to the wonderful Mags, I'll be using this spot from now on to brainstorm about my RPG and possibly, my book as well (I've had a novel in my head for AGES now) and I hope you all have a good time reading it and hopefully, will want to contribute your thoughts on the matter.

For now, I'll go ponder what to write here next...*chuckles*

Asby